I wish I may know what’s the meaning of my dream this past morning. I analyzed it and remembered preoccupations I had in mind before the dream, but still I didn’t get it. The pictures in my dream were so vivid that I could still describe it more than half-a-day after. The vividness also made me curious about it. I’m not a good storyteller, but anyway, I’m posting it here.
I found myself outside the gates, several meters away from the main doors, of the Catholic church that I usually go to every Sunday. Everything seemed normal but the girl standing in front, also outside, of the church’s main doors. I wanted to get near to the main door so I slowly entered the gates. There was no way that I’ll not pass near to the girl.
After few steps from the gates, inside the church’s fences, as I was getting more near to her, I suddenly stopped walking. I took a closer look at her, tried to see her face while being covered by her hair that was relatively shorter than many females have. I recognized the girl. Her covered and tilted head did not help much in preventing me to see her face. But again, the appreciation of her beauty did not take long. I avoided looking at her even though I felt that I wanted to look at her. I really don’t know why I avoided to look at her. Something was preventing me to decide the way I wanted to. Just like many dreams, I’m not much of in control. I just can’t look at her. I was afraid. What was I afraid of? I don’t know. Something paralyzed me. I felt silence. The only sounds that I can hear were whispers from my mind telling me to look at her. There was a little noise though, telling me to walk towards her. Me standing still, with our environment’s silence, whispers, and little noise, also made me feel that she wanted to look at me. But just like me, she can’t. She was afraid. As if there was something holding her back. What’s holding her back? I don’t know. I may never know.
I did not understand my feelings. I did not understand hers. I did not stand it. With full force I broke the paralysis I was in. I ran away from her, farther from where I stood with the silence, whispers, and little noise. Though I wished to look back, to again look at her, I never looked back. I wanted to see if she also ran away from me, but I never looked back. I continued running away. I saw myself as Maniac Magee. I continued running and was crying while running. I stopped from running when I knew It’s impossible to see her anymore.